Understanding If I’m A Morning Person
A recent realization led to me understanding why I may not be an official “morning person.”
Until recently, I pretty much just accepted that I was a “morning person;” an early bird that was just jumping up out of bed and practically right to work since my employer has mandated that most employees work from home. But recently, something has felt off about my morning ritual.
There may not be an officially pinned down version of what a morning person is, but after looking through wikipedia and reading what a few doctors have said on the subject, I’ve Frankenstein-ed my own definition together. Essentially, being a morning person means feeling awake/alert and mostly clear-headed (i.e. not groggy) in the morning, rarely needing to wake up to an alarm after often falling asleep before 11pm. In media, morning people are often portrayed as incredibly/psychotically/annoyingly cheerful and energetic in the morning, much to the chagrin of their other coworkers.
But, as I said earlier, something has felt off recently. I think it’s because for the first time in a while I started listening to my thoughts as I wake up anywhere from 530–630am. Then, the other morning, it dawned on me. I think part of the reason I fit into the category of being labeled as a “morning person” is mostly because my mind is an asshole.
Now, before I expand on that loaded thought, I have to get something out of the way, because otherwise the rest of this isn’t going to make much sense. I said my mind is an asshole because I believe it is separate from myself and my brain. When I took a 300-hour meditation teacher training course eight years ago, the instructor pointed out that our mind is what generates thoughts, and anyone who has spent enough time just sitting and watching thoughts come and go for as long as I have (been meditating for 11 years) can say with a certain amount of clarity that our thoughts are sure as shit not who we are, which means our minds are not who we are.
What makes each individual a unique and separate entity from their mind and brain is their consciousness. Granted, some people’s consciousnesses can be pushovers because they don’t know how to deal with their asshole minds. Others, like certain former orange presidents, just embrace their minds and spew whatever they want without much thought or regard.
I don’t believe everyone’s mind is an asshole, though it sure seems like many people’s inner dialogue (aka their mind) isn’t very kind and empathetic.
Anyway, my point is, I realized the other morning I probably wouldn’t be considered a morning person if it weren’t for my asshole mind. I say this because I’m not so much a “morning person” as I am an “overwhelmed into a brief anxiety-induced shock due to the sheer amount of thoughts that my mind dumps on me first thing when I wake up type of person.”
You see, ever since high school and the routine of getting up before the birds to wait for the bus, I guess I developed this other routine. Rather, perhaps I should say my mind developed parallel routine. That routine begins just as I awaken from whatever slumber and bizarre dreamworld in which I was traveling. Then, before I even take a breath or have a moment to orient myself back to reality for a few quiet moments, my mind fucking bombards me with so many thoughts all at once that 96% of the time it’s like hurling a bucket of ice water at me. The best-case scenario is that I’m wet, cold, and awake. The worst-case scenario is that I’m metaphorically in pain, depressed, wet, cold, and I’m awake.
In the morning, I tend to think of my mind as a dog that hasn’t seen its owner all night. And you know how dogs get when they’re away from their loved ones for more than a couple hours. They go crazy with excitement when their loved one returns. My mind is similar in the morning, except instead of being overjoyed with relief and wanting to play, my mind immediately launches into a diatribe of everything I have to do for the day in the most insane, painstaking detail, down to the other thoughts I need to think about throughout the day (yes, my thoughts think about other thoughts) and how much of a lazy, shitty, dumbfuck shit for brains shitty shit person I am if I don’t follow this list of instructions to the letter because only then will I have accomplished something in the day, even though (according to my mind) it’s never enough!
It’s similar, but not exactly like the middle part of a Marc Maron bit about doing a morning radio show where he talks about his inner monologue in the early morning hours.
So basically, in the morning my mind is a talking dog that berates me about everything I should do that day while it also hurls a bucket full of water at me. Yeah, that’s what I wake up to most mornings.
Now, even though I feel I’ve gotten much better at turning down the tap from all the rushing water of thoughts from my mind that floods my brain, part of the reason I’m considered a “morning person” is because my body has become so infused with this routine that it’s just automatically awake once I open my eyes from sleep. The problem is that it doesn’t matter when I open my eyes after returning from the dreamworld. It could be a slightly reasonable 7am. But it could also be 3am. It doesn’t matter. As soon as my eyes open, almost always it’s just…
And then I’m just awake. Occasionally I’ll be able to muster up enough strength to breathe and go back to sleep, but it’s mostly just for a good 45 minutes until I have to get up anyway and prepare things for my work from home job.
This isn’t to say that I don’t like mornings. I wholeheartedly enjoy the colors of morning skies, which often look like paintings. I’ve written a multitude of poems about the morning. I appreciate the quiet of mornings as well, since it’s one of the few times most cities allow the sounds of nature to filter through. I guess, I just wish I didn’t have to actively and constantly ignore my mind in the morning in order to do these things.
Unfortunately, I usually don’t have much time in the mornings due to the early hour I start my job. I try my best to post on IG and maybe share a story or two. Usually, I have to rush through making a small breakfast that’s either a cup of cereal or an egg mixed with last night’s dinner veggies on a tortilla. Once I start working, more often than not the shouting of my mind fades away. That’s almost always how my weekdays start.
Before I had a regular nine to five gig, there was often time to exercise and meditate in the morning. Now I’m lucky if I can do either. I am actively pushing myself to exercise a little more frequently in the mornings again thanks to the not too in your face (and mildly cute) Finch app. It may not always be a full routine, but, right now, at least it’s something. The only challenge in this is also finding a few minutes to squeeze in a little writing, since my thoughts are most clear (and as mentioned earlier, quite flowing). But often, I have to make a choice between exercising and writing, which is a little disappointing because I need to do both to survive, which in turn creates a whole other stream of antagonizing thoughts to potentially paralyze me before I’ve really started my day.
Fun times.
I know I need to work on trying to incorporate a little more meditation into my mornings, even if it’s just for five minutes and I’m laying in bed. A solid 5–10 minute mettā (loving-kindness) meditation would probably work wonders. The trouble is, it feels like I need to sacrifice more of my writing and exercising in order to do this, and I just don’t know what I feel comfortable sacrificing. Sure, I could do it toward the end of the day, but I feel like I’m usually so exhausted by then that I’ll just fall asleep. CBD and my occasional enjoyment of cannabis does help me sleep, but usually finds me waking up a little more groggy the next day.
So, am I an official morning person? Probably…? But it doesn’t feel like I’m a typical morning person. Maybe I’m a more of a morning-adjacent person, due to the fact that I’d more than likely sleep in if it wasn’t for my wild mind waking me up with brilliant ideas and unyielding anxiety. However, I suspect I’m not the only one who feels like this in the mornings. Feel free to share in the comments if your mornings are similar. Please note, I’m not looking for tips or other ways to optimize my life and time. I know what I need to do, but I have to decide the forms and potential adjustments I will have to make as a result.
However it shakes out, I’m doing what I can to learn and improve, one day at a time right now. I hope everyone else is finding time to sort through their madness a little as well. Thanks for reading. Good morning.
I’m not a self-help guru. I barely knows if I’m a morning person. But I do know that if I think and feel this way, there are probably others who feel the same. So, I share my words to not only update friends and family about my life, but also, in this instance, let others know they are not alone. If you enjoyed these words in some way, feel free to check out other things I’ve written on my blog or my website. I’ve published 3 books of poetry so far as well as a short story and a play on Wattpad. You can always following me on Instagram as well. Thank you for reading and thank you for being.
