Stoned Moments — Discovering I’m a Cat Person
Always Thought I was a Dog Guy. But Now I’m Not So Sure.
Free-flowing and frequently amusing thoughts often percolate through my brain after I smoke, vape, or nosh on a creative-inducing strain of cannabis. Sometimes I decide to jot down these stoned moments. Then, after a nap (and occasionally forgetting I even wrote anything until checking my notes), I go back and do a little sober editing. But I’ve never shared these thoughts with anyone. After a good deal of thought, I believe it’s time to start sharing these thoughts as a unique way to normalize the herb while also showcasing its creative capability. Maybe these toughtgasms will merely blow some minds and/or provide a few laughs along the way, thereby reducing the stigma that certain artistic and creative individuals may have about the plant. PLEASE NOTE: I am in no way encouraging anyone under the age of 21 to consume cannabis for any reason. I simply aim to show a fresh facet of my writing while advocating for something I believe will be beneficial to others.
It wasn’t until maybe close to three years ago that I understood I was a cat person.
It was right before an overwhelming majority of the population pronounced the pandemic to be genuine, not because trained healthcare professionals said so or because our world leaders suddenly began investing in Pfizer. It was when Tom Hanks became sick with COVID and then the NBA was forced to shut down. Around that same time, myself and my ex took in the 17-year-old cat from her family.
After we adopted Fifi the cat (just an FYI, I had nothing to do with the name), a flood of memories I had forgotten (or perhaps blocked out) came bursting back to me after all these years. I remembered that whenever I visited a friend who owned a cat, at some point in the covo, they’d usually say something to the effect of,
“Oh wow, my cat, Mr. SaucyBritches, seems to really like you for some reason.”
Chances are, I wouldn’t have remembered if this was just a one-time occurrence. But, because this reaction was communicated verbally several times by various cat owners, it must have stuck with me somewhere, despite nearly forgetting about them. I never gave it much thought, probably because I was distracted by getting stoned alongside my friends. Honestly, my buddies could have easily said, “Oh, serial killers seem to really like you.”
To be clear, as far as I know, nobody has ever said that to me, but the same principle applies. If it was just a one-time thing, I’d probably think the person was high or something. But if multiple people (especially serial killers) said that, it’s bound to stay there somewhere. Side note: You may find it upsetting that I tangentially compared cats to serial killers, but that’s only because most cats are serial killers if you think about it. They crave a routine, even if it’s weird; they bring you trophies of their kills; they stare at you uncomfortably; they stalk their prey; they often, but not always, torture their prey. Cats are the serial killers of the animal kingdom.
Anyway, the point is, this old ass-cat took a liking to me as well. And, sure enough, the now-ex-goddess had the same reaction when we took in this 87-year-old serial killer.
I don’t exactly know why cats like me, but I have an idea. I think it’s because I give off a certain absentee parent vibe to them. You know, like the kind of vibe from those movies where the kid and or their friends are leaving the house at night to either save the world, solve a crime, or go to a party and they see their (often but not always) drunken dad downstairs with his face plastered to the TV as he’s tightly clutching a bottle of brown liquid that smells like a combo of gasoline and turpentine. Yeah, that’s me in this scenario. And the cat is the kid, in case it wasn’t obvious — this 96-year-old cat.
With cats, I honestly don’t give a shit, but neither do they, it seems, so it all evens out. I liked what Marc Maron said on his podcast one time when he explained why he wasn’t a dog person.
“I can’t have anything in the house that’s more needy than me.” — Marc Maron
Cats seem to just pick up my vibe. This old ass-cat was no exception. Was it annoying that she’d sometimes attempt to lay on my hands as I was typing away at some poetry on my laptop? For a moment, but, we’d talk it out and she’d quickly decide to lay on my lap or rest her head on my leg as if it were a fat, fleshy chaise lounge.
After maybe a week or two removed from when we brought this 112 year old cat home, I’d find myself randomly speaking to her, as if she were a person. I have no idea if she understood me, but it seemed to make he feel good, or at least like I noticed her or something.
I remember on the first night I spoke to the cat, I said something to effect of “As long as you eat when you’re supposed to, don’t be a fucking psycho at night and don’t give me any trouble and we’ll be totally cool.” I meant that.
A few nights later, as I was watching Netflix (aka spending most of the time trying to figure out what to watch), the cat came up to me and I imagined it was saying something like,
“Hey dude, can I use your Honda tonight?”
And I just said, “Long as you’re home by 1 am and don’t bother us when we’re asleep.” So the cat jumped on our end table to grab the keys in her mouth, and just as she was walking out the door she said, with the keys still in her mouth “You know I can’t really talk right? Like you’re probably unwell, not just because you’re talking to me, but also because you’re letting me take your car out. Who does that?”
All I said in response was “So are you going or not? If you are going, just be back before 1 am, ok? Try not to make too much noise.” Then, she simply nodded and walked off.
Maybe that was a bad example, but I felt like in that moment we vibed well. I don’t know where I’m going with this, other than to say I just thought I understood and got a long with dogs better up until this point. Maybe I did at one time, but perhaps where I am in life currently, I prefer being around cats due to their more independent and solitary nature.
I like Marc Maron’s quote about why he prefers cats, saying “I can’t have anything in the house that’s more needy than me.” I just realized I said that already. Whoops.
Really, the only times cats aren’t super chill, or at least the ones I’ve come across, is when they’re fucking hungry. Then they turn into loud, uptight Karens, meowing in a way that can only be described as ‘asking for the manager’ type-energy, even if you deviate a mere minute from their food routine. Yeesh. But, I think I can live with that if that’s one of the only times it gives a shit about anything.
Don’t get me wrong, dogs are great. But, I think a cat is more my vibe right now.
You learn something new every day, and this is one of those days.
This is the first of hopefully many more stoned moments. Admittedly, I’m still figuring some things out and how to balance all my thoughts. But, if you dug this in some way, don’t hesitate to clap, leave a comment, or any of those things that might give this story a boost. I don’t know how often I’ll post these stoned moments just yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure that out too. Hope everyone has a decent rest of their day. I say that because I don’t want to put the pressure on you to have a great or amazing day. That sounds like it’s a lot of work, and you probably need to chill more than anything. So, do that, I guess. For any cannabis enthusiasts out there, make sure you also check out Last Prisoner Project or Marijuana Polucy Project. Anyway, peace.
