Hi. It’s me. Again.
You may recall the last letter I wrote to you all the way back when before you were just president-elect. If not, I totally understand, you’ve been busy (depending on who you ask).
Dear President Donald Trump,
I write this letter from a place deep within myself, one of humility and gratitude that you are now the President of…
I wanted to write you again because I’m proud of the awesome job you’re doing. You sure are showing everyone this job was meant for you. I mean, it’s like you’ve been doing this job before you were even born! It must be tough being the only Globalistic Nationalist (or is it Nationalistic Globalist? Help me out on this one).
I want to thank you for cleaning up the mess that you inherited from Bush…er, I mean Obama. Man, modern presidents seem so messy, huh? Either way, you’ve been signing Executive Orders like crazy to make America great again. Who cares about some cry-babies who don’t feel like they’re the way to get things done. You keep doing you, oh sweet savior of America.
Whoever said you weren’t ready to be president doesn’t know what they’re talking about. You know how to make the best deals. Who cares if those deals don’t really fund any of the promises you made on the campaign trail. You know what you’re doing.
I’m happy that you continue to shake things up in Washington D.C., surprising everyone with your ability, but especially people who voted for you. Everyone is so excited about all this winning, especially your most ardent supporters! It’s no wonder then that these folks feel so empowered that they made the right choice in picking you to be President. You really know how to please all of the people who voted for you.
I mean, look at all of the tremendous accomplishments you’ve had thus far in your first 100 days, especially after you made such a big league deal about it. Anyone who feels like 100 days isn’t a big deal or is ridiculous probably doesn’t know what it’s like to be such a winner.
One of your most recent accomplishments saw you working with Republicans and Democrats to keep the government funded through September. That’s a big deal, oh master negotiator.
Everyone is ecstatic you managed to get through that! What’s even a more big league deal is the fact that this deal is twice as long as Obama’s last budget deal! While you did campaign to cut down on this kinda stuff and make it more simple, I so truly appreciate that you’re not only looking to undo everything our last terrible president did, but also outdo him too! That’s outstanding.
You’re showing all of us, but especially dreamers, that it takes heart to run the government. Clearly, you have the biggest heart out of everyone, but it’s truly astonishing to me at how much you and the Republicans you lead actually care about the men and women who voted for you, but especially immigrants.
I think it’s your awesome attention to detail that continues to be your best strength. Like, when you decided to bomb Iraq… or wait, Syria. Regardless of the country you bombed, the fact that you were able to remember the delicious details of the beautiful chocolate cake you were chowing down with the Chinese President shows what an eagle eyed gift you have with details. You definitely showed everyone, especially those who were critical of our previously and notoriously awful president that bombing Syria should have happened (or not) a long time ago. Not to mention it shows your exceedingly tremendous ability to multitask.
I mean, not only were you able to bomb Syria and eat chocolate cake, but, you also made a new friend! Some in the press went so far as to call it a beginning of a “Bro-mance,” though I know you don’t really care at all about what the enemy press has to say about you. But my point is, your newfound friendship with the Chinese President is so cool! Man, he must have been impressed by your ability to lay down the law after all that talk you did about currency manipulation. Good stuff Mr. President. Nobody can manipulate or trick you, oh master of the deal.
Speaking of dinners, I’m glad you got to enjoy one last dinner or meal, or some sort of snack (?) with the showboat Comey. But I’m even more thrilled he told you that you weren’t under investigation just before you fired his grandstanding ass. That guy was such a loser, and so terrible at his job that may or may not have helped you win the election. I’m sure you took time to consult others and deliberate over this matter like any business man would.
You’ve really shown the world, especially our neighbors in Mexico and Canada what kind of a deal maker you are! Your tough talk is sure to keep your supporters cheering your incredible deal making skills.
What’s also great about you is your flexibility. Yeah, sure some people might say you’re changing your mind or backing down on your promises, but what do those people know? You’re proving to everyone now that you’re not just some hard-line one or two issue person. Again, like I said in my previous letter to you, I appreciate your straight shootin’ tell it like it is talk, like when you revealed on 60 Minutes that your “campaign issues weren’t meant to be taken literally, but as opening bids for negotiation.” To me, nothing is more honest and straightforward than using nuanced metaphors. I mean what’s more honest and straightforward than revealing your motives after an election? There’s no way anyone could be confused about how “The press takes you literally but not seriously and your supporters take you seriously but not literally.”
Mr. President, you are clearly the only person who can fix the mess that we Americans are in, aside from Jared. Many of the Republicans you lead don’t seem as enthusiastic about working with you, or repealing that damn Obamacare. How sad!
Sometimes Bryce writes about political bullshit because so many people are writing about political bullshit. Feel free to recommend, share or not. Up to you. Thank you for being.