A Letter to Our Dear, Great Leader, President Donald Trump,
About His Best People
Dear Mr. President,
I think you’re doing a great job. The best job. It’s terrific so far. No president in the history of presidents could do what you are doing.
I continue to appreciate your blatantly blunt straight talk that doesn’t make you sound like a racist in any way. I’m especially excited to see how you fix our failing mental health systems in the wake of another school shooting.
But, I’m not writing this letter to tell you how great you are. YOU already know this.
Unlike my last few letters, I’m writing this letter to you talk about a small, nearly benign but growing problem that, for some reason, it feels like you might possibly be ignoring. It’s about your best people.
You remember them, right?
Anyway, you probably also remember saying way back at the beginning of your presidency that not only would you hire the best people for your administration, but that you were going to have the smartest cabinet in history.
Mr. President, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that doesn’t seem to be true. At all.
I’ve tried giving you the benefit of the doubt on this, because we all know how much you enjoy playing multiple games of three dimensional chess that we mere normal people could never understand.
However, it’s been a year since you graciously and humbly took office, and many of these best people have turned out to be simply not good. Some may have even been very bad.
On the bright side, you most assuredly weren’t kidding about setting records! Though I wonder if these were the types of records you were talking about.
While neither of us have time to go over everybody you hired, we can take a look at some of the key people you have hired or supported, and then in many (but not all) cases, let go.
Take for example Jeff Sessions, someone who is still working for you, despite threatening to resign several times. In the beginning, you heaped praise on Sessions. Clearly, you liked him enough to choose him to be your Attorney General. But then, at some point, you started ripping Jeff Sessions a new one after new one on TV and in other interviews. Sure, some say the two of you have sorta mended fences, but we all know that can change at any moment, especially if Sessions did something disgraceful in your eyes. What kind of dummy would dare keep doing disgraceful things like recusing himself, which furthers the witch hunt hoax we totally don’t need to ever talk about. The fact still remains that it’s tough to consider Jeff Sessions one of your best people after all the stuff you said about him. How can he still be one of your best people if you consider Jeff Sessions weak, calling him Mr. Magoo in private?
Then there’s someone like Michael Flynn, the man who lasted less than a month as your National Security Adviser. In the beginning, you you were an avant Flynn supporter, going so far as to defend and offer Flynn legal advice even after he had to step down from his position. But since that time, it seems like things have changed, especially after he’s plead guilty to perjury. Now, your legal team is apparently planning to attack Flynn’s credibility. This begs the question that, if you or the people around you had reservations about Michael Flynn’s credibility, why in the world did you hire him in the first place? How could Flynn have been considered one of your best people, especially after Flynn supposedly misled Vice President Pence? Like, who would be such an asshole as to lie to your VP?
Another person you hired that raised a few eyebrows was your first season Apprentice co-star Omarosa. While your didn’t necessarily heap praise on her like you did with some of your other hires, it struck me as odd when your administration took a few shots at Omarosa after she was let go, only serving a few weeks in your administration. Again, this creates the question as to why you hired her if you were supposedly only hiring the best people?
The same question can be asked about former staff secretary Rob Porter. Why on Earth would your administration hire a guy who beat his wife, let alone in some cases defend him? I hope I’m not speaking out of turn by saying that clearly Rob Porter was never one of the best people. So why did you allow his hiring in the first place?
Mr. President, you also supported Roy Moore for governor of Alabama despite the creepy and messed up allegations against him. Then, after he lost, you claimed that you never supported him and knew he would lose. It was this act that, dare I say, made me question your judgement. I feel terrible for saying this to you, our precious, sweet leader. But the fact remains that, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to endorse someone with that kind of stigma.
After letting your former Chief of Staff, Reince Priebus go, you hired and spoke highly of your current Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, saying you had confidence General Kelly would do a spectacular job. Mr. President, you even said that Kelly had tremendous spirit. Now, there’s rumblings that the relationship between yourself and General Kelly is frayed and heading towards divorce territory, due to Kelly’s bungling of the whole Rob Porter fiasco. When you hired him, many said it was because you wanted to bring about more order. But, if he’s one of your best people you hired to replace another one of your best people, why isn’t the general doing his best? It’s making you look like a fool, oh master of the stars and stripes. Some are saying that you, Mr. President, are tired of being told “No” by Kelly. What a jerk he must be to not agree and allow everything you want to do and say. Sounds like a major General buzzkill to me. Kelly is even making jokes that working for you is like a punishment from God. What kind of person says this if they’re one of your best people?
One of the most prolific of these best people of yours was the indomitable Steve Bannon. I found it endearing that you stuck by Steven Bannon through thick and thin when people from your own party were saying very nasty things about Mr. Bannon. I thought that you two would be lifelong friends after you defended Bannon during the election year. He very much seemed like one of the best of your best people. Although, I must admit I was surprised you stuck with him even after Mr. Bannon said that Ivanka was dumb as a brick. But, I know friends sometimes squabble. What surprised me the most was when you fired Bannon, perhaps in part due to that loser Michael Wolff’s book. This is despite the fact that many of your friends doubted the veracity of his reporting. Hell, you even tweeted about that issue too. But then, after you let him go, you began saying things about Steve Bannon losing his mind and how you thought he was sloppy. How then, could Mr. Bannon be considered one of your best people, especially after you said Bannon had little to do with your White House victory?
Another one of the best people you sent packing is your former Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. Mr. President, you fired Tillerson because, according to you, the both of you didn’t agree on things. What a jerk he must have been for not agreeing with you on everything. There are even reports that Tillerson possibly called you a moron, which doesn’t sound very becoming of someone you once looked at as one of your best people. But this still begs an important question. Why did you hire and shower Tillerson with such praise as one of your best people if he wasn’t really one of your best people?
Then there’s your most recent person to step down, Scott Pruit. It’s actually hard to imagine someone who couldn’t be a nicer, more chipper person than Pruit. I mean, sure… he had his scandals , some would say many bigly scandals. But he was still one of your best people, at least until recently when I guess someone explained how he might not have been the best representation of swamp draining, which you found troubling. Unfortunately, 'ol Scotty Pruit has now stepped down due to all these unrelenting attacks of people mentioning some minor scandal or three. What a soft, totally not tough person he must have been to let some potential facts get in the way of doing his job poorly.
Like I mentioned earlier Mr. President, it makes me doubt your leadership and authority as our great and fearless leader. It makes it hard to trust your judgement because it doesn’t make any sense as to why you’d hire or support these people that you considered best, only to later regard them as weak, sloppy or even ineffective.
It must be difficult when you Mr. President are clearly the smartest and most sane person in whatever room you walk into. I just hope that either you end up taking every government job for yourself since you alone can fix all of it.
I sure hope you can fix this Mr. President. I just hope you spend as much time fixing our clearly broken country as you do rearranging your staff. Hopefully Mr. President, you’re finally “close to having the Cabinet and other things [you] want” even though you’ve been running the country for a year.
Much Gratitude and many blessings to you, oh dear ruler of America.
Brycical Crumblepatch
PS — I’m updating this letter when appropriate (most recently yesterday, July 5th) to reflect the growing number of best people who are for some reason no longer the best.
If you enjoyed reading this letter. I also wrote another letter to our most beloved president in the history of presidents.
I also wrote about our beloved Attorney General, Mr. Jeff Sessions, breaking a news story nobody else seems to care about for some strange reason.
